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Turn Into The Skid
“This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be cleaning you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
Because each has been sent
As a guide from beyond.”
— Rumi
Many of you who learned to drive in winter conditions will be familiar with the expression “turn into the skid.” More specifically, the instructions for recovering from an oversteer skid with the rear of the car sliding out from behind you is to steer into the slide. By turning into the skid, a driver is able to maintain control of the direction of their vehicle when the rear of the car begins to fishtail. The reason this technique needs to be explicitly taught to drivers is that it does not come naturally. Our intuitive or automatic survival reaction is to turn away from the direction of the skid. That is why this new pattern of response needs to be learned and conditioned so that it becomes the new response when a skid occurs while driving in snow or on ice.
These same instructions are helpful for working with our inner experience. Although our natural reaction may be to push away what we don’t want to see or address, the most effective way to respond to what ever our experience may be is to allow ourselves to become aware of it and move in towards it, to take a closer look at its nature. Only this way can we respond effectively to our experience rather than get caught in automatic reactions that often do not serve us over time. Coming back to the advice for driving in winter conditions, the experts say when you’re in a slide, look in the direction you want to go rather than the direction you are headed: look toward the solution, don’t look toward the problem.
Acknowledging Your Experience
“I cannot be awake for nothing looks to me as it did before, Or else I am awake for the first time, and all before has been a mean sleep.”
— Walt Whitman
Acknowledging your experience from moment to moment is one of the most successful ways to reduce your stress while also gaining insight in your life.
One aspect of acknowledging your experience is to become aware of its feeling state. The feeling state of an experience can most simply be described as one of the following three: pleasant, unpleasant or neutral (neither pleasant nor unpleasant).
Why is this important to your state of stress? When you have an experience that you interpret as pleasant, your unconscious tendency is to want it to persist. Whereas when you have an experience that you interpret to be unpleasant, your unconscious tendency is to want it to go away. If you interpret your experience as neutral, you may ignore it.
When you unconsciously attempt to hold onto the things you interpret as pleasant or push away those things you interpret as unpleasant, you are creating a subtle or not so subtle suffering in your life – only adding to your stress. Unknowingly, you fall into the ineffective trap of “wanting things to be different than they are.” This is because pleasant experiences are ephemeral; they are bound to change, no matter how much you try to make them persist. Likewise, unpleasant things happen to be part of your existence, no matter how much you try to deny their presence. They too will tend to shift or change if you allow them to do so.
The best strategy for reducing stress is to accept whatever experience you have without trying to hold onto it or trying to push it away – simply acknowledging what is present, as it is, in each moment. By noticing the feeling state of each experience, you can acknowledge the experience without having to react to it; you can notice whether it is pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral without holding onto what is pleasant or pushing away what is unpleasant. By objectively observing the feeling state of your experiences, you have the opportunity to gain insight into their existence and their impermanent nature.
To put this into practice in your life, each time you become aware of an experience you are having, see if you can notice the feeling state. You can even silently say to yourself one of the three feeling states that most reflects the quality of your experience: pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral. Once you are aware of the experience and its associated feeling state, you can consciously make a choice about how you can respond most effectively, if necessary, to that experience.
Independence Day
Unconditional
Willing to experience aloneness,
I discover connection everywhere;
Turning to face my fear,
I meet the warrior who lives within;
Opening to my loss,
I gain the embrace of the universe;
Surrendering into emptiness,
I find fullness without end.
Each condition I flee from pursues me,
Each condition I welcome transforms me.
— Jennifer Paine Welwood
In the United States, Independence Day commemorates the day the Declaration of Independence was first adopted by the Continental Congress – declaring independence of the United States from the Kingdom of Great Britain in 1776. This was the day our democracy was born. This legacy of freedom has had a major impact on the manner in which citizens of this country live our lives, our values, and our responsibilities.
In spite of the external independence that a democracy provides us, most of us are not truly liberated. Instead, we have become imprisoned by patterns of unconscious reactions that have become habituated and, although at some point earlier in our lives they worked to help us survive, they are no longer serving us well.
To put these unconscious habituated patterns in context, first it is important to acknowledge that there is inevitable pain (an affliction) that comes with being alive. It is not possible to be born, to live, and to die without experiencing a variety of pain.
Additionally, and even more impactful, there is often an enormous amount of optional suffering that accompanies the core pain – it is related to our experience of the pain itself. This option suffering arises when we react to the pain either with aversion (pushing away what we don’t want) or attachment (holding on to what we want to maintain). We are frequently unaware of these reactions of aversion and attachment that are the source of our suffering; they are part of the automatic patterns we’ve internalized. Although we cannot avoid the affliction of pain that arises in life, we do have the ability to free ourselves from the optional suffering that results from our reactions to this pain.
The key to freedom from optional suffering is to develop greater awareness of our automatic patterns of reaction. In seeing these reactions with our own eyes, we develop the skill to respond with choice rather than to be stuck, reacting out of habit. Ultimately, we have the capability of relating differently to the pain in our lives – the potential to meet it directly, without adding optional suffering – letting go of the habitual reactions that have kept us trapped. Freeing ourselves from this optional suffering, to whatever extent we can, we can approach true independence.
“Freedom is what you do with what’s been done to you.”
— Jean-Paul Sartre
Secure Your Oxygen Mask Before Assisting Others
“Self-love, my liege, is not so vile a sin as self- neglect.”
— William Shakespeare
As one of your flight attendants on this journey of life, I am reminding you that in case of a change of cabin pressure, the oxygen masks will drop down from the compartment above your head. If this should happen, secure your own oxygen mask before assisting others.
No matter how many times you may have heard this advice you may not have applied it to your day-to-day life, where it is very relevant. In our 21st-century life-style, there are so many demands upon our time and energy: family responsibilities (spouses, children, pets, parents, siblings, grandchildren), work requirements, household tasks, financial activities, friendship commitments, to mention a few. Amidst the attempts to meet these ongoing demands, it is not uncommon for us to become depleted, burned-out, exhausted. When the cabin pressure changes in your day-to-day life, what can you turn to as your oxygen mask? And do you secure it for yourself before assisting others?
The first step in taking care of yourself is to learn to recognize when you are feeling depleted and acknowledge that fact.
The second step is to notice what nourishes you in your life. Are there activities you can participate in that restore your energy? Or, do you need to find ways to take time by yourself, and if so, what are the conditions that suit you for alone time?
The third step is to explicitly carve out time in your daily life to make sure you are meeting your needs for renewal. Often this requires creating a routine in your weekly schedule and sticking to it regardless of how you are feeling.
If you get stuck because you feel guilty taking time for yourself when there are other demands that require your attention, understand that none of those demands will be met adequately, or at all, if you are not OK first and foremost. The truth is that taking care of yourself first is the best way to meet all of the other demands in your life.
“You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere.”
— The Buddha
When Less Is More Than Enough
“There is not enough time to do all the nothing we want to do.”
— Bill Watterson
Intuitively, most people recognize that the nature of our 21st-century lives presents us with an abundance of stimulation, including information overload via email, voice-mail and cell phones; TV, radio, and the internet; driving in heavy traffic on a daily basis; work and family – to mention a few. As a result, most of us are in a state of heightened stress arousal throughout our waking days – perhaps even during our sleep.
On the other hand, friends of mine recently spent a week on an island resort in Fiji. At the resort, there was no TV, no radio, no cell signals, no internet, no newspapers, no bars, and no stores. Outside of their dwelling were lounge chairs and a private hammock on the beach and, of course, access to the ocean. The little 18-hut resort did offer some activities, but you could do absolutely nothing if you chose to. The motto at this resort is “Where less is more than enough.” 1
Not all of us have the near-term opportunity to travel to a place that eliminates the excess of activity we are exposed to on a daily basis, and even that would only be temporary. Still we can minimize the stimulation we are dealing with in small ways in our day-to-day lives. Without escaping to a remote island, you, too, can become aware of and manifest how less can be more than enough!
The key to having this be successful for you is to take on small lifestyle changes, one at a time. First, recognize what is causing you to feel over-stimulated or what is usurping your attention the most. Then challenge yourself to determine a way to reduce that in a small, doable manner for one week; set yourself up for success. After attempting the lifestyle change you identified for one week, check in with your experience to acknowledge whether or not it has made a positive impact for you. If it has, consciously continue that small lifestyle change for another two months to encourage it to become more of a habit. Otherwise, make a modification to the lifestyle change you attempted, or choose another that might work better for you.
A few examples:
- Turn off all of the optional sound (radio, CD, phone) while driving in your car; there is an excess of stimulation and information to attend to without adding any of your own.
- Take a break from reading the newspaper, watching the news on TV, or listening to the news on the radio for a week. Be selective in terms of the source and type of information you are taking in. Often, watching, listening to or reading news becomes a habit – a repetition of, or unnecessary, content day after day – rather than a source of new and useful information.
- Next time you have a gift-exchange with a friend or family member with whom you would like to spend more time, instead of using time to shop for a gift, consider using that time in a way you can spend together: by having a meal at a restaurant you’ve been wanting to try, getting tickets to a performance you’d both enjoy, or doing something related to an interest that you share.
References:
1. Yasawa Island Resort, Fiji
The Challenge of Impermanence
“A breeze does not last the whole morning.
A shower does not go on for the whole day.
Natural occurrences do not last forever;
Nor does a man”
— Tao Te Ching
Impermanence is an overriding characteristic of life – it is a universal law. Big or small, everything in our life is constantly changing. Whether it is a sound that comes and goes, the loss of something or someone, or even our own body aging, each thing in life is fleeting.
In contradiction, as human beings, we have the tendency to seek security. We try to make things in our life stable and solid – even if this is an illusion. We find it hard to accept the actual nature of our lives, the truth of impermanence. And yet, we cannot stop things from changing.
Failure to acknowledge the truth of change is a source of suffering in our lives, a source of conflict. Essentially, when things in our life change we often want things to be different than they are, and this causes frustration, at best, even depression. Over time, physical wear and tear on our body and/or emotional breakdown may occur due to the habitual ways we react in attempt to avoid dealing with this discomfort.
If this is our tendency as human beings, what is the alternative? Instead of trying to deny change by attempting to create an unchanging world to hold on to (ultimately living in conflict), we can acknowledge the truth of each changing moment. We can live in harmony with, and try to understand more deeply, the impermanence in life. This is what Alan Watts called, “the wisdom of insecurity.” It entails a practice of letting go when we feel the need to grasp and hold on. Coming to terms with change is not an easy task but a worthwhile one, and for some, a necessity for well-being. It is an on-going process.
To reinforce the truth of impermanence, the following phrase can be a helpful tool:
“May I experience peace amid the changes in my life, and may I experience peace amid the changes in others’ lives.”
References:
The Beginner’s Guide to Insight Meditation, Arinna Weisman and Jean Smith, Bell Tower: New York (2001)
Seeking the Heart of Wisdom, Joseph Goldstein & Jack Kornfield, Shambhala Publications: Boston (1987)
Being Oneself
“If you want to identify with me,
ask me not where I live,
or what I like to eat,or how I comb my hair,
but ask me what I am living for, in detail,
and ask me what I think is keeping me from living fully
for the thing I want to live for.”
— Thomas Merton
Do you know where are you getting ideas of who you are supposed to be? These messages can be coming from a myriad of sources: family, friends, peers, work environments, media, to name a few.
With all of the input surrounding us suggesting who we are supposed to be, we can find ourselves unconsciously striving to live up to other peoples’ ideals or trying to “keep up with the Jones’”; who we actually are can get lost in the noise. Attempting to be someone not consistent with who we are takes a lot of energy and can add a great deal of stress to our lives. It can be as wearing as trying to swim upstream or it can feel as awkward as wearing a shoe on the wrong foot.
What if, instead, you were able to accept yourself as you are, not needing to change, or to be someone or someway different? This can be done by turning inward rather than searching for answers outside ourselves and judging ourselves by what other people think or say or by whether they approve of us. It may be possible to be more comfortable with yourself as you are – to look less to others to find out who you should be, “and settle back more comfortably with this mind, this body, this sense of limitation.” When we stop trying to become somebody, we can discover who we truly are.
One way you can take steps toward being yourself is to take 15-20 minutes each day to sit quietly, away from interruptions. During that time, bring your attention to your breath. Notice your breath as it enters your body and as it leaves your body. Each time your mind wanders away from your breath, as soon as you notice this, redirect your attention back to the simplicity of your inhalations and exhalations. This basic practice of mindfulness can help you begin to develop awareness of what is truly driving your thoughts and actions so that you can have more choice in the matter.
Reference: Sharda Rogell, Reinforcing Patterns of Loving in Voices From Spirit Rock, Edited by Gil Fronsdal and Nancy Van House. Clear & Present Graphics, 1996.
Support Systems
“I used to sit on the banks with a raft and watch the water roll lazily by. One day I pushed my raft into the shallows of the water and found the water moved swifter than I thought. My raft was actually a boat. Then, after some time, I rowed my little boat into deeper water. There were great storms. Mighty winds, tremendous waves, and sometimes I felt so alone. But I have noticed my little rowboat is now a mighty ship manned by my friends and loved ones; and beautiful calm seas, warm sunny days, and nights filled with comfortable dreams always double after a storm. Now I could never go back and sit on the bank. In fact, I search for deeper water. Such is life when lived.”
— B.D. Gulledge
Life is filled with inevitable ups and downs: stormy experiences and also sometimes calm periods. Support systems can help us survive – even thrive – through challenging times, encourage us while we attempt to make changes in our life, and share the joy of our successes. Moreover, “new evidence supports what we feel instinctively: People need people. Inadequate social support is as dangerous to your health as smoking, lack of exercise, and obesity. … People with weakened social connections have higher rates of cancer, heart disease, infections, depression, arthritis, and problems during pregnancy.”1
Support systems are an ongoing need; they come into play whether or not you are in crisis. For example, when you are clear about your values and priorities in life, you might find support in being with people who not only embrace those same values and priorities, but also reinforce them in your life. When you are trying to learn new behaviors or make changes in your life, change is much easier if friends or family support your effort. Others can also provide us with roles modeling, showing us new options, or inspiration to stay with our efforts if they become challenging. “When we forget, we are reminded. When we have remembered, we become the reminders for others.”2 Also, as you attempt to make changes in your life, those who support you can provide a safe place to experiment with new ways of being.
There are several types of social support: emotional, information, physical and financial. Social support also takes many forms: relationships with family, friends, neighbors, casual acquaintances, memberships in groups and organizations, contacts at work, and pets. “When you seek support, first identify what type you really need. Then decide who might be able to provide it. Try answering the following questions to identify your sources of support:
When you are feeling upset, who can you share your most private fears and worries with?
Is there someone who takes pride in your accomplishments and thinks highly of you?
When you have a problem, who would you go to for practical advice or information?
If you needed a loan of $100 for an emergency, who would you go to?
Who would bring you dinner if you were sick (or even if you weren’t sick)?”1
Although we may be able to get through much of life on our own efforts, seeking appropriate social support may help us to maintain “the best of ourselves and also supports the abandoning of the worst of ourselves. What greater gift can we give each other than that?”2
1. The Healthy Mind Healthy Body Handbook, David Sobel, MD and Robert Ornstein, PhD, Patient Education Media, Inc.: New York (1996)
2. The Beginner’s Guide to Insight Meditation, Arinna Weisman and Jean Smith, Bell Tower: New York (2001)
Identify Intentions Before Setting Goals
”Quality is never an accident; it is always the result of high intention, sincere effort, intelligent direction and skillful execution; it represents the wise choice of many alternatives.”
— William A. Foster
With the onset of the New Year, many folks are reminded of changes they would like to make in their lives and, thus, renew their focus on these aspirations. All too often, this effort ends up in frustration or disappointment. In order to increase the chances of successful results, before setting goals or making resolutions, get in touch with your true intentions.
Intentions are a reflection of your values, what is most important to you. They are related to who you are and how you are “being” in the world. Webster’s dictionary defines “intent” as “the state of mind with which an act is done.” Intentions set the course or direction of your life.
Goals, as defined by Webster’s dictionary, are “the end toward which effort is directed.” They are about taking action toward a future outcome. Goals can help you progress in life by setting a target and defining the steps to reach it.
Working towards goals is a valuable skill; however, goals can easily become a reaction to the external influences in your life. When your goals are not aligned with your intentions, they may be stumbling blocks rather than an aide. You may experience great resistance along the way and even failure. Or, equally as defeating, you may achieve your goals only to find that it is not where you want to be. As Steven Covey suggests, “It’s easy to get caught up in the busyness of life … to work harder and harder at climbing the ladder of success only to realize it’s leaning against the wrong wall.”
To maximize the integrity in your life, take some time to reflect and understand your intentions (which are an internal experience) before defining your goals. In this way, you are more likely to have your goals be the outer manifestation of your true intentions; how you want your life to “be” moment to moment. Align your worldly actions with your inner values and live them day to day. If you stay true to your intentions as you pursue your goals, not only do you have a greater chance at being successful in achieving your goals, the process itself becomes more rewarding no matter what the outcome.
“Before you agree to do anything that might add even the smallest amount of stress to your life, ask yourself: What is my truest intention? Give yourself time to let a yes resound within you. When it’s right, I guarantee that your entire body will feel it.”
–Oprah Winfrey
Fresh Air Intake
“The true journey of discovery does not consist in searching for new territories, but in having new eyes.”
— Marcel Proust
Along side the driveway outside of the cafeteria at El Camino Hospital in Mountain View, where I periodically teach a one-day stress reduction retreat, there is a sign that reads:
FRESH AIR INTAKE
No Parking or Idling Engines in This Area
Each time I see this sign it is a helpful reminder of how easily I get caught in and recycle my thoughts and behaviors, and how this keeps me stuck: parked or idling. Most of us have patterns of thoughts and behaviors that cycle through our minds over and over, much like tapes that we replay once they get triggered. Although this is a common human condition, it leaves us little chance for new responses and, more often, we find ourselves reacting automatically out of these conditioned thoughts and behaviors. At times, our automatic reacting causes us a great deal of stress or suffering, even if we are not aware of it at the time. More effective responses may arise if we can free ourselves from these automatic thoughts and patterns to see new options.
Just as most cars have a button on the dashboard which allows the driver to manage whether the air in the car is “fresh” (coming into the car from outside) or recycled (reprocessing the air already inside the car), each of us, too, can learn to chose whether we allow ourselves to take in new information, experiencing each situation with a “beginner’s mind” (seeing it as if for the very first time), or whether we merely react to each situation based on our preexisting thoughts, out of what we already think we know about the situation.
- In what way(s) might you be recycling old thoughts and behaviors as you react to situations/challenges in your life?
- Can you shift to a “fresh air intake,” allowing yourself to see these situations/challenges from a new perspective – to perceive new options for your response?
Minding Your Stress 