Posts filed under ‘Uncategorized’
Impermanence and Equanimity
“I am not afraid of storms, for I am learning how to sail my ship”
— Louisa May Alcott
Impermanence, or change, is a universal aspect of life. Things arise and, inevitably, they pass as well. We can see this from a variety of perspectives. For instance, from the lifespan viewpoint, we are born, we mature into adulthood, we evolve into older age and then we eventually die. Aging is a constant process of change. Similarly, day-to-day we experience evidence of impermanence in our lives; relationships, housing, jobs, family and health are often in changing states.
Change can be very stressful for us to experience and respond to. Changes require us to constantly adapt. Some changes are joyful: marriages, new homes, birth of children, to name a few. Yet, these joyful changes can be equally stressful as unpleasant ones: challenges in health, loss of a job, a relationship that ends, or loss of a loved one.
With awareness, we can learn to respond to changes in life with greater equanimity. “Equanimity is the strength to stay open-hearted and stable through changing conditions.”* Equanimity first requires us to accept whole-heartedly the fact that everything in life has the nature of impermanence. Out of this deep acceptance we can than acknowledge changes without trying to hold onto or push away any of them. This is particularly helpful during distressful or disruptive times; at these times it might help to remember the age-old wisdom, This, too, shall pass.
It is not uncommon to be overwhelmed by the changes in life. At times you may feel that your reactions to these changes have control over you rather than you having influence over them. Fortunately, equanimity is something that can be cultivated. To begin to bring greater equanimity into your present experience you might try repeating simple phrases such as
“May I have peace amid the changes in my life, and may I have peace amid the changes in others lives.” *
Although we cannot direct the wind, we can adjust the sails.
* Reference: The Beginner’s Guide to Insight Meditation by, Arinna Weisman & Jean Smith, Bell Tower: New York, 2001.
Spring Cleaning
“Letting go is simply making a decision – no longer to allow something from the past to influence your life now or to reduce your inner sense of peace and well-being.”
— Sylvia Clare
We’ve officially transitioned into Spring, a season of renewal. With Spring often comes an urge to purge – to rid your environment (room, home or office) of clutter that has accumulated gradually over time, or even to remove the weeds that have settled into your garden or yard. Eliminating unessential “stuff” from your environment can be quite liberating, enabling you to lighten your load both physically and spiritually.
This purging process need not take place only externally. Internally, you likely have been accumulating clutter as well: old patterns that no longer serve you well, ruminations over past experiences, and attachments to people or things that are not adding value to your present life. It is hard enough sometimes to see the external clutter that surrounds you; as you become used to it, it becomes less visible to you. Yet, the internal clutter can be much harder to recognize.
Now is as good a time as any to reflect on what you have been carrying around with you, internally, day in and day out. Some of what you are carrying may have been with you much of your life. However, no matter how long it has been part of your life, once you begin to see this internal clutter more clearly, you have the option to release it – freeing yourself of this ongoing burden, and creating more space, potentially, for new patterns or responses that are more effective for you.
What can you let go of, right now, to lighten your load?
Sympathetic Joy
“In seeking happiness for others, you find it for yourself.”
— Anonymous
Sympathetic Joy can most simply be defined as taking delight in your own successes and the wish for greater success, as well as pleasure in the happiness of others as if it were yours. It is the understanding that someone else’s joy doesn’t threaten our happiness; it actually enhances our own happiness.
In the midst of the demands of our life, we can fall into two common traps that are symptomatic of our comparing mind. One trap is when we play our own success down: “It was nothing,” or “I didn’t try that hard.” In this way, we are not acknowledging or honoring our own success, respecting who and how we are. At some level we are sure that we are not good enough. The second trap that we can fall into is comparing ourselves to others in ways that produce envy and jealousy. You might notice a contraction that appears in your heart when someone talks about their successes. This is the opposite of sympathetic joy. We are separating ourselves when we assess ourselves in relation to someone else’s experience.
Cultivating the capacity for sympathetic joy enables us to connect to ourselves and others more deeply. In rejoicing in the good fortune of others we overcome resentment, envy, and jealousy and even find inspiration in the accomplishments of others. Ultimately, sympathetic joy keeps us intimately connected to others without being overwhelmed by the sight of the world’s suffering, including our own.
To practice sympathetic joy, you can repeat these simple statements to yourself:
May I enjoy my successes; may they grow and increase.
May others enjoy their successes; may they grow and increase.
Gratitude
“Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow”
— Melody Beattie
What is gratitude? One way to define gratitude is “a feeling of thankfulness and appreciation.” More specifically, Webster’s Dictionary defines gratitude as a “warm and friendly feeling toward a benefactor.”
“O.K.,” I hear you saying, “but what does gratitude have to do with stress?” Well, our thoughts happen to be a major trigger of our natural stress response (fight or flight reaction). When left unchecked, our thoughts often contribute to stress as a result of our being preoccupied by suffering over the past (replaying, regretting, or stewing in anger) or over the future (worrying, planning, fantasizing). However, when your thoughts are, instead, directed towards the gratitude that you are experiencing in your life, they are more likely to be serving your well-being rather than contributing to ongoing physical and/or emotional wear and tear. Simply put, practicing gratitude can be a process that has a similar effect on your stress as affirmative thinking or reframing your thoughts. For this reason, bringing awareness explicitly each day to the gratitude that you have for people, things, and experiences in your life can have a stress-reducing effect and ultimately improve your peace-of-mind and well-being (both physically and emotionally).
Greg Krech, in his book entitled, Naikan: Gratitude, Grace, and the Japanese Art of Self-Reflection, suggests that “To live a life of gratitude is to open our eyes to the countless ways in which we are supported by the world around us. Such a life provides less space for our suffering because our attention is more balanced.”
Try out this simple practice of gratitude for yourself:
Each day write down, or share with another person, three things for which you are grateful.
“My advice to you is not to inquire why or with whither,
but just enjoy your ice cream while it’s on your plate.”
— Thornton Wilder
Let It Be: Letting go of resistance
“When I find myself in times of trouble
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
And in my hour of darkness
She is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be”
– John Lennon
As human beings, we have a natural tendency to move away from suffering. We tend to close ourselves off to things we don’t like to feel or experience.
Our mind supports us by devising various strategies of avoidance and denial to push away those things we don’t want; resisting painful sensations and emotions; resisting difficult people and unpleasant situations. One way we avoid painful experiences is by ignoring them and pretending they don’t exist. A common variation of this means of avoidance is to remain frantically active so we are distracted from the distress we feel. Although this may work temporarily, eventually the pain may become too great to ignore. Another tactic we may take is to be willing to be with the pain, but only in order for it to go away. This is also a form of resistance, albeit a more subtle one.
How much of what we do in our lives is simply an effort to avoid feelings or experiences that we don’t want? Unfortunately, the unwillingness to be with and experience these feelings keeps us always reaching or grasping for something else. It is often difficult enough to be with the original pain, the discomfort that we are attempting to push away. Yet, ironically, through the dynamic of our resistance to the pain, we are actually adding optional suffering into our lives.
How much simpler it would be to just allow these painful feelings and experiences, letting them arise and pass away without struggle or resistance. Ultimately, our willingness to be with the original pain, without trying to deny it or push it away, enables us to let go of the optional suffering that we add to our lives when we resist our actual experience.
Reference source: Seeking the Heart of Wisdom, Joseph Goldstein & Jack Kornfield, 1987
Example
Original pain: Finding yourself stuck in bumper to bumper traffic when you feel time pressure to arrive somewhere. Some frustration or anxiety may arise.
Resistance (Optional suffering): Escalating the disappointment or anxiety into anger. Tensing your muscles in reaction to the frustration of not being able to change your circumstance. Ultimately, you might yourself developing a headache from the withheld tension, or transferring your anger onto others when you arrive at your destination.
Letting it be: Acknowledge your frustration at being caught in traffic. Recognize what you do and no not have influence over in the situation. Shift your attention to an abdominal breath to maintain physical balance. Combat any negative thoughts by giving yourself a reality check and reframing the distorted thoughts into more realistic ones.
“In the end, these things matter most:
How well did you love?
How well did you live?
How deeply did you learn to let go?”
— The Buddha
Goal Setting for Positive Change
“It is only when we have the courage to face things exactly as they are,
without any self deception or illusion, that a light will develop out of events,
by which the path to success may be recognized.”
— I Ching
As we experience the end of 2003 and transition into the New Year, I encourage you to refrain from making New Year’s resolutions. Resolutions made at this arbitrary time of year are often based vastly on emotions and rarely include a realistic action plan that has been defined for your success.
Instead, I encourage the practice of setting goals for yourself. Goal setting is an ongoing skillful practice – all year round. Moreover, it is a practice that can help you experience successful change, if engaged in realistically and with awareness.
In setting goals for yourself, a concrete plan can keep you on course and increase your commitment. Start with a bite-sized, realistic goal, something that you will be able to accomplish in the next several weeks. If you have a large goal, break it down into smaller steps that will be less overwhelming and more reachable. Try putting together a plan that includes the following elements:
· Specific
Set a concrete goal that addresses behavior and results, not emotions.
· Measurable
You must be able to tell when you arrive, and to set milestones along the way.
· Agreed upon
Don’t be the Lone Ranger; ask others to help you and support you.
· Rewarding
Make your behavior change as much fun as possible. Decide how you will reward and acknowledge yourself; both for achieving your main goal and for passing the milestones along the way.
(Source: Stress Management, Beaverton, OR: Great Performances, Inc., 1987)
Example
Goal: I will develop a regular stress reduction practice over the next six weeks.
Measurable: I will begin by practicing mindful yoga or meditation 20 minutes, three days a week for the first two weeks, work up to practicing 20 minutes, four days a week for the second two weeks, and practice 20 minutes, five days a week by the end of the six weeks.
Agreed upon: I will share this plan with my sister and check in with her each week about my progress.
Reward: At each milestone, I will by myself some flowers for my office at work.
Self-care
“To allow oneself to be carried away
by a multitude of conflicting concerns,
To surrender to too many demands,
To commit oneself to too many projects,
To want to help everyone with everything
Is to succumb to violence.”
— Thomas Merton
Fall is arriving, and soon to follow comes the holiday season. This is a time of year that brings with it extremes. There are occasions for celebration, but also added busyness of preparation and events. Some people become filled with a sense of obligation to meet the expectations that may surround the holidays, related to friends and family. Other people become faced with a sense of loneliness and wanting, perhaps missing a loved one with whom to share the celebrations.
In either case, it is a time of year in which our energy often goes out to other people and events in our lives. With so much energy focuses outward, we can become depleted, stressed, and even depressed. Instead of enjoying the spirit of the holidays, we can become resentful, rundown, and look forward to them being over.
Self-care, although essential to our well-being throughout the year, can be especially important during the holiday season. The reality is that it is unlikely for us to be able to give to others or participate fully in celebratory events if we are feeling empty.
Self-care begins with the basics. None of this is likely news to you but it may serve as a helpful reminder nonetheless:
· Sleep
6 or more hours of sleep each night (depending on the individual) can help to keep you alert, your mood up, your irritability down and your immune system functioning well. (Sobel and Ornstein, The Healthy Mind Healthy Body, 1996, Patient Education Media, Inc.: New York)
· Nutrition
Maintaining a balanced diet of food is not just about your weight and body image. The quality and quantity of food you take in also has an impact on your ability to function most effectively, including your mood, your self-esteem, your energy level, and your immune system.
· Exercise
Exercise helps to improve your mood, lessening anxiety, depression, and stress. It can also boost optimism, self-esteem, confidence, and give you a greater sense of control. Physical activity can be a healthful coping strategy because it can also strengthen your immune system. (Sobel and Ornstein, 1996)
· Relaxation
“Relaxation doesn’t always require twenty minutes of meditation or muscle relaxation, as useful though they may be. Look for quick and easy opportunities in your everyday life to rapidly relax and refresh yourself.” “Take advantage of the attainable pleasures in life whenever you can—good films, baseball games, autumn foliage, sunsets. Indulging in personal pleasures does a lot to keep you relaxed, happy and healthy.” (p. 88, Sobel and Ornstein, 1996)
The bottom line is that even though the holiday season may bring up events that revolve around giving your energy and attention to others, if you start with yourself you may actually have something left to give them. According to the Buddha,
“You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection.”
Taking a Time-Out
“When despair for the world grows in me
and I wake in the night at the least sound,
in fear of what my life and my children’s life may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water,
and the great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives
with forethought of grief.
I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting with their light.
For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.”
— Wendell Berry
Summer solstice, the longest day of the year, has recently passed. The longer days of summer, bringing more sunlight, warmth and time spent outdoors, help to lift our spirits. Many people reserve time during the summer to take a vacation, get away, or in some way experience a change of environment and pace. Even so, the challenges of our everyday life persist or are most likely waiting for us when we return.
Just as a vacation can serve as a break from the routine of your day-to-day life, whenever you become aware that you are stressed or angry, taking a “time-out” can shift the progression of either of these two uncomfortable and destructive states of mind and body. A “time-out” may perhaps be the single most useful strategy in stopping the escalation of stress and anger.
McKay, Rogers, and McKay describe the process for taking a “time-out” in their book, When Anger Hurts. Although the authors describe this process based on anger or stress experienced while you are engaged interpersonally, with some simple modifications you can use the same process individually. Here are four steps they suggest as part of this technique:
1. “T” Time:
When you realize that your stress or anger is rising, communicate verbally or through a simple neutral gesture that you need (or want) to take a time-out.
2. Leaving and Returning:
Leave the stressful situation for an agreed period of time. “Agreeing ahead of time will prevent any misconception that this necessary separation is a form of running away or a means of punishing the other person with abandonment.” “It is important to allow yourself an adequate amount of time to cool off. It is even more important to return when the time is up.”
3. While You’re Gone:
While you are away from the stressful situation do something physically challenging that will help to reduce the tension in your body, such as taking a long walk or going for a run. Or use a relaxation technique that works for you, such as abdominal breathing, or meditation. “If angry thoughts come to your mind, let them come. And then let them go. … Don’t hang on to angry thoughts or wasting time building a case. The more you focus on proving how wrong and awful the offender is, the angrier you get. Resist getting stuck in rehearsing what you should say. If you do, you may return more upset than when you left. Don’t drink or use drugs while you’re away. Please don’t drive. Angry drivers are a real danger to themselves and others.”
4. When You Get Back:
“When you come back be sure to ‘check-in.’ More than anything else, this will help to build trust in the relationship. The check-in involves a willingness on both sides to communicate. See if you’re ready to talk about the issue. If not, set a specific time when you’ll be ready to do so. Talking about what made you angry will help you both to reduce the possibility of escalating anger in the future.”
Finally, the authors suggest that “the best way to get into the swing of taking time-outs is to practice when you are not angry. … The more you practice taking time-outs, the easier it will be when the real thing happens.”
For more details about this and related practices, I recommend McKay, Rogers, and McKay’s book: When Anger Hurts, McKay, Rogers and McKay, New Harbinger Publications, Inc.: Oakland, CA (1989)
Live the Questions
“Be patient toward all that is unresolved in your heart
And try to love the questions themselves
Like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue
Do not seek for the answers that cannot be given
For you would not be able to live them
Live the questions now
And perhaps without knowing it
You will live along some day into the answers”
— Rainer Maria Rilke
As we “spring forward” this weekend and we change the clock, officially marking this seasonal transition, many of us are feeling the uncertainty of personal, local, and global circumstances. One thing that we can count on is the uncertainty of life.
Perhaps one of the best ways we can take care of ourselves throughout the uncertainty that living brings is to stay in the present moment rather than getting caught up in the speculation of what may occur in the future, or ruminating about what has happened in the past. “But how do we do this amidst the challenges that face us each day?,” you might ask? How do we respond to all of the worries that arise?
Lewis Richmond states in his book, Work as a Spiritual Practice, “Worry is the mind’s way of trying to deal with a fear, to explain it, verbalize it, define it, and organize it, so the fear is not so shapeless and menacing. Worry can be exhausting and destructive. But it can also be creative. Which one it will be depends on our attitude toward it and how we use it. In the same sense that fear is courage in the making, worry is wisdom in the making. It seems to threaten us, but it is also trying to help us. … Worry helps. Worry lets us know what is important.”
Lew makes the observation that “worry manifests itself as a question.” Therefore, to deal with worry, we can work with the question. Here are four steps Lew suggests for doing that:
1. Raise the Question: Ask yourself, “What is the question?”
“Construct a simple declarative sentence that states, as simply as possible, what the question is.”
2. Repeat the Question: “Whenever it occurs to you, repeat that phrase to yourself.”
“Just the simple exercise of verbalizing the question can have a significant impact. The worst kind of worry is the inarticulate kind. Giving shape to our fear, giving it verbal form, can help.”
3. Follow the Question: “It means remembering the question and bringing it repeatedly back into consciousness … not obsessively, but attentively.”
If it transforms, then let it become the new question and follow it. Sometimes the question becomes a statement or becomes shorter, even compressing itself overtime into a single word. “Over time, the question takes on a life of its own. It moves under, around, and through your life, looking for a way through.”
4. Settle the Question:
“Either the question resolves itself into some kind of answer or else it subsides and dies away. If an answer comes, that’s good! But if the question dies away, if over time you forget about it, that’s all right too. Then the energy of the question gets put away, stored as though in a desk drawer, until the time comes for it to reemerge in another form.”
Engaging this practice, Lew suggests that we can “use the question as a digging tool, to excavate something buried within.” “The questioning spirit says, ‘I will stay with this question regardless of whether an answer ever comes. This question, for now is my life.’”
For more details about this and related practices, I recommend Lew’s book:
Work as a Spiritual Practice, Lewis Richmond, Broadway Books: NY (1999)
Affirmative Aspirations: Positive statements of self-worth and acceptance
2002 has been a stressful time for so many people and the holiday season can add to that stress. While the holidays may offer joyous festivities with family and friends, it’s not unusual to feel additional stress during this time of tight schedules with so many things to do.
Acknowledging the stresses of the holiday season, I’d like to suggest affirmative aspirations as an alternative to the tradition of making resolutions to start the New Year.
New Year’s resolutions often derive from the negative judgments we hold about ourselves, the “shoulds” that we feel we are not living up to. We end up deriding ourselves when we find that we have abandoned these resolutions weeks or months later.
Instead of setting these types of resolutions, I encourage you to reflect on what is most important to you and to affirm that in your daily life. Affirmative aspirations are most effective when stated in the first person (“I”), present tense (confirming that it is already true) and reviewed on a daily basis.
Example: Upon reflection, I recognize that spending more time with my family is a priority and an aspiration for myself. I also notice that I often give more of my time to work than I would like, which reduces the time I have to spend with my family.
Affirmation: I am enjoying spending more time with my family each week while still successfully maintaining my commitments in my work.
Minding Your Stress 